So a couple of days ago I was talking to that guy that I told I love (somehow, that did not scare him from talking to me) and I mentioned that I was going to be going out of state soon for a weekend to visit my nieces and we should go fishing while I'm up there. He replied with I should just move up there and live with him and go to Omaha with him.
I wanted to agree to it. I wanted so badly to agree to it. I've always thought it would be so exciting to go on a roadtrip (which would be the drive to Iowa) or to just pack up and run off with a guy that I might or might not love. And lately things have just been kind of stressful with work and shit. I just wanted to say yes, that I would move in with him and go with him to Omaha.
It's been a few days now since he asked me to go with him and I said no and we haven't talked since. I want to say something to him but I don't know what to say. I want to tell him I've changed my mind and I do want to be with him in Omaha. But I can't tell him that. What if he wasn't serious in his invitation? What if he doesn't really want to be with me but just wants to be nice to me after what I told him? What if he thinks I'm some stupid, clingy, recently-not-a-virgin bitch that doesn't want to let go of him after we had sex? I don't want to be that girl. I feel like I am, but I fell in love with him long before we even kissed so I'm not really that girl, am I? Maybe just a clingy bitch, well, and the part about not being a virgin, but I've tried to let him go. I've tried not talking to him, but he was my best friend when I was living in Iowa and I told him everything that even after I moved to Missouri, I still wanted to tell him everything and even though I told myself I wouldn't text him, I did. I missed him and I still miss him and I still want to tell him every little exciting or funny thing that happens to me. But I don't do that anymore because I really am trying to let him go.
But dammit, I still want to tell him I've changed my mind and will go with him. I can't do that though, right? I mean, yeah, he invited me but was he really sincere in his offer? I could always ask him if it still stands because I really want to get away from things here for awhile, but what if it didn't and then I would just feel even more stupid. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe I should just try my hardest to leave him alone.
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