Once upon a time (back in '09) I would say a prayer every single night before I would go to bed (that was back when I still said my prayers like a good religious daughter) and every night I prayed for the same thing. I prayed that I would meet my future husband around Christmas that year and I wouldn't fall for him immediately, like I do with a lot of the guys I've liked, but instead, we would just be friends for a while. And after a while we could grow closer and realize that we didn't just love each other as friends anymore, but that we shared a love that was greater than friendship.
It was nearing Christmas and I still hadn't met anybody new. But then, as I was giving up hope that I would meet him that year, my brother came home from the Army and brought his buddy with him. I came home December 26th from staying with my sister in Iowa and I met my brother's friend. He was cute. He was nice. He had an amazing voice and a Texas accent. And he had a nice ass.
And I figured my sister, Paula, had already laid claims to him. He was a few months older than her and she seemed to like him a lot. She went to the store with him. She even got his number. All the while, I stood back and teased her about him. I told her she should go out with him and listed off the things they had in common.
He was so cute, but I didn't even think about my prayers until sometime later and I remembered how I used to pray to meet a guy either on Christmas or around it.
My brother, Tim, came home again for the New Year on leave and brought the guy with him again. And after they left again a couple of days later, I never saw Tim's friend again. But Paula gave me his number so I could text him too. I did. He even called me one night when he was partying with some friends. He asked me how I was doing and tried to get me to promise him that I wouldn't join the Air Force like I'd dreamed of doing because he didn't want to see me end up like him--being miserable and drinking too much. I couldn't promise him anything and I didn't say much at all because I'm a shy girl and don't say much anyway. But I liked listening to his voice for the few minutes that we talked.
I haven't talked to him in a while now. Last time we talked was a while ago. I think about him sometimes and wonder how he's doing. He was shipped overseas back in January I think it was. I don't know if he's back now or what. I haven't seen him on Facebook lately. I might message him just to see how he is.
I mentioned to Paula, after a while, about my prayers and then meeting him. I told her I wondered if maybe it meant something or was just a coincidence. She said it was possible. I told a friend about it to and she said God probably brought him into my life for a reason but not as my future husband. I still wonder sometimes . . . I know, I'm not one of God's biggest fans right now, but I can't help but wonder. What if this guy really is the one? I'm sure he's not, but you never know. That would be a weird coincidence.
Talking to Tim, I discovered that Nix, that's the guy's name, talked about me before. He told Tim I'm the type of girl that someone would marry. I think that's odd for him to say something like that, but it brought up the question in my mind again, what if he's the one? I told Tim that was weird for him to say and asked why he would say that. Tim just told me to ask Nix about it. I doubt he would even remember saying that. Or even remember me.
In my prayers I even listed specific things about this guy so I would know he's the one. He would wear a ball cap and cowboy boots. Nix wore a ball cap and cowboy boots. That made me wonder even more. Could it be just a coincidence? Or do coincidences even exist?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dating Rules
Okay, so I'll admit it, lately I've been trying to find somebody to um, keep company with. I get lonely and guys are fun. They're cute (some of them) and funny (some of them) and, best yet, kissable (again, some of them). And yes, I am kind of, sort of, maybe looking for a boyfriend. So I've decided to lay down some rules before I start dating.
1. - Do NOT date anybody from work
2. - Don't date guys you know from church (they're all hypocrites and fake religion because they think you're into it)
3. - Don't date anybody younger than you (because guys take longer to mature anyway, so dating a younger guy would most likely mean dating an even more immature guy)
4. - He has to have his license and, preferrably, his own car
5. - He totally has to have a job
6. - He shouldn't be shy (because I'm shy, and that wouldn't work out too great...)
7. - He should like being outdoors (because I don't like being cooped up inside all the time)
and last, but definitely not least,
8. - He must always be himself, no matter who is around (unless it's your parents :p)
And these are my rules for dating.
1. - Do NOT date anybody from work
2. - Don't date guys you know from church (they're all hypocrites and fake religion because they think you're into it)
3. - Don't date anybody younger than you (because guys take longer to mature anyway, so dating a younger guy would most likely mean dating an even more immature guy)
4. - He has to have his license and, preferrably, his own car
5. - He totally has to have a job
6. - He shouldn't be shy (because I'm shy, and that wouldn't work out too great...)
7. - He should like being outdoors (because I don't like being cooped up inside all the time)
and last, but definitely not least,
8. - He must always be himself, no matter who is around (unless it's your parents :p)
And these are my rules for dating.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Oh Shit, I'll Have to Give Him A Sweater
I was watching Gilmore Girls the other day and Rory was having dinner with her grandparents and a pastor and her grandparents made up dumb excuses to leave them alone together so the pastor guy could talk to her about how special her virginity is and blah blah blah. She told him she had already sailed that boat a long time ago and he was disappointed. He said she would have to give the man she married a sweater because she can't give him her virginity.
That made me realize that "oh shit, I'm gonna have to give the guy I marry a sweater". Not really, of course, but still . . . Would the wedding night really have been even extra special if I hadn't ever done it before? Or would it be the same as if I had, except for the fact that I would probably be a nervous wreck? I don't know. And I guess, I never will now.
But I'm not going to spend time worrying about it. I have enough to worry about without adding that to the list. What's done is done and there's no going back to undo it, so you just have to move forward, right?
That made me realize that "oh shit, I'm gonna have to give the guy I marry a sweater". Not really, of course, but still . . . Would the wedding night really have been even extra special if I hadn't ever done it before? Or would it be the same as if I had, except for the fact that I would probably be a nervous wreck? I don't know. And I guess, I never will now.
But I'm not going to spend time worrying about it. I have enough to worry about without adding that to the list. What's done is done and there's no going back to undo it, so you just have to move forward, right?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Once Upon A Time . . .
Once upon a time, there was a girl and she was raised in a Christian home with over-protective parents and six sisters and two brothers. She was a middle child. She was shy and very reserved. She was far from content.
Then came the day that, at the age of seventeen, she moved to another state to live with her older sister for the summer. She got a part-time job working as a cook at a fast food restaurant and she met a guy. He was the complete opposite of her. His parents were no longer together and he wasn't raised in a religious home. He was outgoing and had bad habits. He was the youngest child in his family. He didn't seem to be content either.
She could not stand him the moment she met him but by the end of that night, she knew he was going to be her favorite coworker. They were so different but she didn't mind too much. He had the freedom she had always wished for. He was everything she had never dared to wish to be.
He gave her his number and they communicated a lot for the next couple of months. She could not stop herself from falling in love with him. She hadn't even realized that it had happened until late autumn and by then, it was too late to try to turn back. She was in love with him and she knew there was no changing that.
She moved back to her parents' home and lost contact with the guy for several months. When spring rolled around, she moved back to her sister's place and ran into him. She was still in love with him and when he invited her to go fishing with him and his friend, she agreed immediately.
As they hung out more and more often she found herself falling even deeper in love with him. Then one night, while she was drunk and about to pass out on a picnic table at a park, he came over to her and sat down at the table. He had to keep her from passing out because if she didn't go home that night her brother-in-law (who did not approve of her newfound love) would have been upset. She could barely keep her head up and she knew there was only one thing to keep her from passing out in a park. So she kissed the guy and they sat there, making out for several minutes before he wanted to take things further. She told him no the first few times he asked but when he asked for the fourth time or so, she finally gave in. She wanted to make him happy and she didn't want to pass out. And so she gave him her gift.
The next day, she was disgusted with herself. Not for letting it happen. She didn't regret that at all. But for letting it happen in a park. She didn't want her first time to be in a park on a wooden bench that was as uncomfortable as you can possibly imagine.
He told her he loved her. And she liked hearing him say it, but she knew it wasn't true and never once dared to tell him that she really did love him. Not until after she had moved away again and one night, in a drunken haze, messaged him, telling him how she really felt about him. She confessed her love for him and he told her it was hard for him to fall in love. She didn't want him to say he loved her too because she knew it wouldn't be true, but neither did she want to hear him say that it was too hard for him to love anyone.
And so, as the months slowly dragged on, she found herself wishing that her heart could once again belong to her. She missed him more than she had ever missed anyone in her entire life and she knew she couldn't ever forget him. He was her first true love and she still misses him. She heard the heartache should only last six months but she knows that isn't true. The heartache will last forever. He made her feel whole, and without him, she will never be complete.
This is not the end of the story, but she will let you know when she is completely healed and finally whole again.
Then came the day that, at the age of seventeen, she moved to another state to live with her older sister for the summer. She got a part-time job working as a cook at a fast food restaurant and she met a guy. He was the complete opposite of her. His parents were no longer together and he wasn't raised in a religious home. He was outgoing and had bad habits. He was the youngest child in his family. He didn't seem to be content either.
She could not stand him the moment she met him but by the end of that night, she knew he was going to be her favorite coworker. They were so different but she didn't mind too much. He had the freedom she had always wished for. He was everything she had never dared to wish to be.
He gave her his number and they communicated a lot for the next couple of months. She could not stop herself from falling in love with him. She hadn't even realized that it had happened until late autumn and by then, it was too late to try to turn back. She was in love with him and she knew there was no changing that.
She moved back to her parents' home and lost contact with the guy for several months. When spring rolled around, she moved back to her sister's place and ran into him. She was still in love with him and when he invited her to go fishing with him and his friend, she agreed immediately.
As they hung out more and more often she found herself falling even deeper in love with him. Then one night, while she was drunk and about to pass out on a picnic table at a park, he came over to her and sat down at the table. He had to keep her from passing out because if she didn't go home that night her brother-in-law (who did not approve of her newfound love) would have been upset. She could barely keep her head up and she knew there was only one thing to keep her from passing out in a park. So she kissed the guy and they sat there, making out for several minutes before he wanted to take things further. She told him no the first few times he asked but when he asked for the fourth time or so, she finally gave in. She wanted to make him happy and she didn't want to pass out. And so she gave him her gift.
The next day, she was disgusted with herself. Not for letting it happen. She didn't regret that at all. But for letting it happen in a park. She didn't want her first time to be in a park on a wooden bench that was as uncomfortable as you can possibly imagine.
He told her he loved her. And she liked hearing him say it, but she knew it wasn't true and never once dared to tell him that she really did love him. Not until after she had moved away again and one night, in a drunken haze, messaged him, telling him how she really felt about him. She confessed her love for him and he told her it was hard for him to fall in love. She didn't want him to say he loved her too because she knew it wouldn't be true, but neither did she want to hear him say that it was too hard for him to love anyone.
And so, as the months slowly dragged on, she found herself wishing that her heart could once again belong to her. She missed him more than she had ever missed anyone in her entire life and she knew she couldn't ever forget him. He was her first true love and she still misses him. She heard the heartache should only last six months but she knows that isn't true. The heartache will last forever. He made her feel whole, and without him, she will never be complete.
This is not the end of the story, but she will let you know when she is completely healed and finally whole again.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I Really Wanna Go To Omaha!!
So a couple of days ago I was talking to that guy that I told I love (somehow, that did not scare him from talking to me) and I mentioned that I was going to be going out of state soon for a weekend to visit my nieces and we should go fishing while I'm up there. He replied with I should just move up there and live with him and go to Omaha with him.
I wanted to agree to it. I wanted so badly to agree to it. I've always thought it would be so exciting to go on a roadtrip (which would be the drive to Iowa) or to just pack up and run off with a guy that I might or might not love. And lately things have just been kind of stressful with work and shit. I just wanted to say yes, that I would move in with him and go with him to Omaha.
It's been a few days now since he asked me to go with him and I said no and we haven't talked since. I want to say something to him but I don't know what to say. I want to tell him I've changed my mind and I do want to be with him in Omaha. But I can't tell him that. What if he wasn't serious in his invitation? What if he doesn't really want to be with me but just wants to be nice to me after what I told him? What if he thinks I'm some stupid, clingy, recently-not-a-virgin bitch that doesn't want to let go of him after we had sex? I don't want to be that girl. I feel like I am, but I fell in love with him long before we even kissed so I'm not really that girl, am I? Maybe just a clingy bitch, well, and the part about not being a virgin, but I've tried to let him go. I've tried not talking to him, but he was my best friend when I was living in Iowa and I told him everything that even after I moved to Missouri, I still wanted to tell him everything and even though I told myself I wouldn't text him, I did. I missed him and I still miss him and I still want to tell him every little exciting or funny thing that happens to me. But I don't do that anymore because I really am trying to let him go.
But dammit, I still want to tell him I've changed my mind and will go with him. I can't do that though, right? I mean, yeah, he invited me but was he really sincere in his offer? I could always ask him if it still stands because I really want to get away from things here for awhile, but what if it didn't and then I would just feel even more stupid. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe I should just try my hardest to leave him alone.
I wanted to agree to it. I wanted so badly to agree to it. I've always thought it would be so exciting to go on a roadtrip (which would be the drive to Iowa) or to just pack up and run off with a guy that I might or might not love. And lately things have just been kind of stressful with work and shit. I just wanted to say yes, that I would move in with him and go with him to Omaha.
It's been a few days now since he asked me to go with him and I said no and we haven't talked since. I want to say something to him but I don't know what to say. I want to tell him I've changed my mind and I do want to be with him in Omaha. But I can't tell him that. What if he wasn't serious in his invitation? What if he doesn't really want to be with me but just wants to be nice to me after what I told him? What if he thinks I'm some stupid, clingy, recently-not-a-virgin bitch that doesn't want to let go of him after we had sex? I don't want to be that girl. I feel like I am, but I fell in love with him long before we even kissed so I'm not really that girl, am I? Maybe just a clingy bitch, well, and the part about not being a virgin, but I've tried to let him go. I've tried not talking to him, but he was my best friend when I was living in Iowa and I told him everything that even after I moved to Missouri, I still wanted to tell him everything and even though I told myself I wouldn't text him, I did. I missed him and I still miss him and I still want to tell him every little exciting or funny thing that happens to me. But I don't do that anymore because I really am trying to let him go.
But dammit, I still want to tell him I've changed my mind and will go with him. I can't do that though, right? I mean, yeah, he invited me but was he really sincere in his offer? I could always ask him if it still stands because I really want to get away from things here for awhile, but what if it didn't and then I would just feel even more stupid. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe I should just try my hardest to leave him alone.
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