Love? Damn, It Sucks

   So I admitted one night recently to a guy that I love him and would you like to know how I told him? In a message. Yep. In a message. On Facebook. I messaged him and told him I loved him. What a brilliant way to tell someone you're in love with them. NOT.

   I was drunk and I've been in love with him for so long and I never told him before because I didn't want to hear him say that he loved me too when I would know that he didn't really mean it. But, in my drunken state of boldness and stupidity, I sent him a message on Facebook, telling him I was drunk and I met somebody but oh, this guy was nothing compared to him and that I loved him. Yeah, I felt pretty dumb the next day. And somewhat embarrassed.

   It might have been somewhat okay if I had messaged him when I wasn't drunk. It would have been best though if I had just either never told him, or at least had the decency to tell him in person. Instead, I messaged it to him while I was drunk, and now I feel like the stupid, clingy girl that doesn't want to let go of the guy she lost her virginity to.

   So pretty much, I made a fool of myself by sending that message. He said it was okay though and that it meant a lot to him but it's hard for him to fall in love. Ya think it's not hard for me to fall in love? Damn. It's pretty fucking hard for me to fall in love too, that's what makes this so hard for me. I don't "fall in love". Ever. Well, I didn't. I guess, I do now. I don't even know how I came to love him. I just did. I knew there was something special about him and . . . I don't know, I just slowly fell in love with him.

   I fell in love with a guy that doesn't love me back. Of course, something like that would happen to me. I don't have good luck with guys.

   When I get my heart back, remind me to never lose it again, okay?

I Have a Confession to Make

   I am not what I may seem to be.

   I appear shy and reserved. I appear polite and sweet. I appear to be the good girl that doesn't swear or do anything too bad. But there is something you should know about me.  That's not who I really am.

   Yes, I'm very shy when I first meet people. I can be sweet and I try to be polite. But I am not the good girl. I was, but this year changed me. Actually, I think the changes began last year. Last summer, when I met him and realized I didn't want to force myself to be good anymore.

   I changed. I started drinking. The new year rolled in and I found myself wanting to celebrate with him instead of sitting at home. Spring rolled around and I got what I wanted. I started hanging out with him and we had fun. I started drinking more. Then came summer and I picked up cussing. I drank even more and watched him do drugs, wishing I was brave enough to do them too. I made out with him in his bed while his buddy was in the room with us. I lost my virginity to him one night at a park when I was wasted. I would have done drugs with him except for the fact that he had to work that day and I was moving two hours away and if my parents had picked me up while I was high, they would have killed me. And I never have been able to get enough alcohol since the night we drank a bottle of Jack.

   I am not the good girl I may seem to be. No, I am not one of those bad girls that do drugs and are promiscuous, but I am not good. I am far from good and I plan to get farther from it. I am young, so why not be wild now? I want to live life and enjoy it to the fullest.

A Little Bit Stronger

   Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is letting them go.

   I'm going through that right now. I've grown to love a friend of mine but I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. So I have to let him go. And it's so hard. I'm used to texting him almost every day and hanging out with him all the time, but now we're two hours apart and I'm trying not to text him because even when I do, he rarely replies back to me and I end up feeling like I'm worthless when that happens. I don't like feeling that way. I don't like that a guy can make me feel that way.

   He means so much to me. He's my best friend (that's not related to me anyway). I told him things I didn't tell anyone else. And I grew to love him. We've only known each other for about 13 months now, but it's true. I love him.

   I realized I was in love with him one day when I just saw a completely random picture of him. And I thought to myself "I love him" and just smiled to myself, and then I realized what I had thought and kinda laughed at myself. I don't ever say I'm in love with a guy because it's not ever true. So when I said thought that, I just wondered if maybe it was true. And I told myself over and over again that it wasn't true. That I didn't really love him. But now, I know it has to be true. I wouldn't still feel like this about him if I didn't love him.

   If I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel like shit because he ignores my texts. I wouldn't think about him every day. I wouldn't still be able to laugh at things he said or did a year ago. I wouldn't still like him.

   If I didn't love him, by this time, I would hate him. Because that's what I do. If I'm in a relationship with a guy and it doesn't work out, I make myself hate him so I can get over him more quickly. But I can't make myself hate this guy. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. But I can't. No matter what, I can't hate him. He means too much to me. I can't make myself hate someone that I love. It can't happen. And I love him.

   I don't know how I'm supposed to go through the rest of my life without him, but it's going to have to work. I hope someday I can move on. I hope someday he finds love with someone as special as he is. I hope I can stay strong and not try to force anything with him because I already know that it's not ever going to work for us. It doesn't matter if he keeps saying he hopes we can be together again someday, it's not going to happen. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to stay strong.

   It's like Sara Evans's song, "A Little Bit Stronger". I'll keep getting a little bit stronger, even though it's hard and right now it hurts.

I hate family drama

   So last month my mom and I got in a pretty big fight with my older sister and her
husband. Well, actually my whole family pretty much got involved in it. My mom and I just
said the most compared to everyone else.
  
   It was all pretty ridiculous and I didn't talk to them for over a month. I texted my sister a
couple of nights ago though and it was something I shouldn't have sent, though I meant
every word of it. Knowing I shouldn't have sent that text, I called my sister the next night
and told her I realized I shouldn't have sent it and I was sorry but it was how I felt and I
wasn't apologizing for saying it, just for sending it.

   If it's how I feel and I was going to tell her, I should have called her instead of texting it
to her. But anyway, I called and apologized for sending it and she talked to me for a
minute then passed the phone to her husband. I want nothing to do with him ever again.

   He apologized for the things that he said to me and for losing his temper and now it's like they think everything is normal between us again.

   I've got news for them: It's NOT.

   Our relationship won't ever be the same again. I lost all respect for them. I still don't want to talk to them. I especially do not want to talk to him. They have no idea how
those things that he said to me, effected me. I was angry. I was hurt. And I was
humiliated. If you make me cry, then you know you've really upset me because I don't cry
unless it's over sad books and movies.

   I trusted them and told them things I thought they would never tell anyone and then we
got in a fight and they yelled it in front of everyone. No, I do not trust them any longer.
It's going to be a really long time before I ever trust them enough to tell them secrets
again . . . if I ever confide in them again.


   We are not okay. They need to realize that I can't just put that all behind me. They can't
come into my home and disrespect my mother and me and then expect everything to be
okay when they apologize to me. No, they need to apologize to my mother. And even when they do, things still won't be okay. Not for a very long time.