A Little Bit Stronger

   Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is letting them go.

   I'm going through that right now. I've grown to love a friend of mine but I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. So I have to let him go. And it's so hard. I'm used to texting him almost every day and hanging out with him all the time, but now we're two hours apart and I'm trying not to text him because even when I do, he rarely replies back to me and I end up feeling like I'm worthless when that happens. I don't like feeling that way. I don't like that a guy can make me feel that way.

   He means so much to me. He's my best friend (that's not related to me anyway). I told him things I didn't tell anyone else. And I grew to love him. We've only known each other for about 13 months now, but it's true. I love him.

   I realized I was in love with him one day when I just saw a completely random picture of him. And I thought to myself "I love him" and just smiled to myself, and then I realized what I had thought and kinda laughed at myself. I don't ever say I'm in love with a guy because it's not ever true. So when I said thought that, I just wondered if maybe it was true. And I told myself over and over again that it wasn't true. That I didn't really love him. But now, I know it has to be true. I wouldn't still feel like this about him if I didn't love him.

   If I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel like shit because he ignores my texts. I wouldn't think about him every day. I wouldn't still be able to laugh at things he said or did a year ago. I wouldn't still like him.

   If I didn't love him, by this time, I would hate him. Because that's what I do. If I'm in a relationship with a guy and it doesn't work out, I make myself hate him so I can get over him more quickly. But I can't make myself hate this guy. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. But I can't. No matter what, I can't hate him. He means too much to me. I can't make myself hate someone that I love. It can't happen. And I love him.

   I don't know how I'm supposed to go through the rest of my life without him, but it's going to have to work. I hope someday I can move on. I hope someday he finds love with someone as special as he is. I hope I can stay strong and not try to force anything with him because I already know that it's not ever going to work for us. It doesn't matter if he keeps saying he hopes we can be together again someday, it's not going to happen. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to stay strong.

   It's like Sara Evans's song, "A Little Bit Stronger". I'll keep getting a little bit stronger, even though it's hard and right now it hurts.